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O Christian discern well before you marry
O Christian before you go for your marital union,
Check if you’d then still be in God’s communion.
Do not desire courtship with any unbeliever,
Because that one ain’t God’s grace receiver.
Even if someone claims in Christ to believe,
Make sure its not an attempt to deceive.
For many have tricked and have lied,
To get the unwitting victim to them tied.
Discern well before you marry,
Because faith in God you carry.
Discern well before you marry,
Lest you drift in a direction contrary.
Choose a spouse who is good and just,
And helps to build in Christ your trust.
Desire your beloved to be the one that prays,
That from wisdom and truth no one strays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)
Anti Narcissist series – Part three (Do not marry nor date a Narcissist)
Disclaimer: I categorically state that this post never is about divorcing anyone. This is about not getting into a messy marriage in the first place and then crying out for a divorce.
There are times in life when your friends and family can tell you if you’ve got a bad friend much before you notice. This is because of something know as objectivity. While you may have a subjective opinion of your friend especially that friend whom one intends to marry, others may not view this through an emotional perspective. God forbid if one’s dating a narcissist, then one must do something to help oneself out of it. I’m talking about before the relationship deepens or even marriage occurs.
The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. (Proverbs 22:3)
Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house. (Proverbs 24:27)
Just a quick reminder of what a Narcissist personality type is:
1. Excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself.
2. A personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. (source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/narcissist)
There are people, even Christian’s who unwitting set themselves up for a nasty marriage and a more nastier divorce. Some of them after marriage or even post divorce wonder where did it all go wrong for them. Others then wonder that how could they be so foolish to trust a proud, arrogant narcissist person to be their spouse and expect kindness and sincerity in love by that person. While others who date with the intention to get married never come to getting married but are badly dumped by their narcissist fiance. These then take a lot of time trying to recover emotionally.
My solution to them if I had got to meet them earlier: “Do not marry nor date a Narcissist at all, in your entire life”.
Even for those who are yet to marry or yet to meet up their future spouse I’d say: “Never a fancy a Narcissist to be your future spouse because you will sorely hurt yourself in the long run for this”.
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:10-12)
Let me share with you something I learnt years ago in a church group. This will be helpful to describe a narcissist spouse to avoid. The teenagers would be warned of the “Butterfly girl”and how to not get her for marriage (they also said this may even be a ‘Butterfly boy’ depending on the situation in the sense if it’s the boy who is the narcissist and a good girl is trying to marry him). The Butterfly girl is a Narcissist to begin with. She only cares for herself. A good boy tries to woo her and marry her. She knows this well but pretends not to care. The boy keeps trying to speak nicely, takes her out for dates but that’s not good enough for her. (Tip: Never date any person whom you don’t intend to marry). She then finds faults with all his friends and says he loves his friends more than her. However, she will go with any of her friends to appear busy for him. On the other hand keeps away from his friends. Yet she doesn’t profess love back to him. He keeps running behind her and she keeps moving away from him. That’s why she’s called the Butterfly.
The Butterfly girl always blames the boy for her shortcomings. She revels in keeping the guy guessing if she’s with him or not. That’s her idea all along. Now she also excessively praises herself. In due time she finds fault with the guy’s family. And the guy is isolated even more. She will never acknowledge if she wants to continue with the guy but instead will blame the guy for not doing enough to show his interest in the relationship. In reality she is just projecting her own faults over to him.
After a lot of chasing and declarations of love by the boy, the Butterfly girl finally marries the guy who by now has isolated himself from people who might help him such as his family and friends. Even with marriage the guy is not sure if the girl loves him or not. Now once married either of the two things happen. One, the guy is emotionally drained out and can’t put up with the chase any more, so his ‘Butterfly’ wife accuses him of ‘forgetting’ his love for her. The result; an unhappy marriage. The other thing which may happen is that the guy still has some mental energy left and his Butterfly wife fully aware of it, now wants to show others how well she controls him. The result; the unwitting husband is indefinitely made to prove his love for his wife over and over again which then leads to a burnout for him. Either of the two ways, it may end up into a divorce if things get more wrong from there. But at the end of it, the Butterfly girl (now the wife) will project that she was the victim of her ‘overzealous’ husband all the time and will even cite that his abandoning of friends and family was his own fault of over protectiveness. Such is the danger of the Butterfly girl (or Butterfly boy)!
The teenagers would therefore be told that if a person whom they feel might be a suitable spouse, then they should check that person is filled with excess of pride or has an inflated ego. And if yes, then avoid that person right at the beginning by not going after them. They were also told that if the potential spouse to be may be nice to them but arrogant towards others, then that person is not the nice person they are trying portray themselves to be, so run away before it’s too late.
Don’t get married just to avoid loneliness but instead be wise enough to search and wait for the right person. Some people incorrectly only wait but do not search. It’s a wrong strategy for them, they must actually search as well. Now by search I mean you don’t first propose marriage and then go along to see if it’s going well during your courtship with your potential future spouse. Some narcissists are way too cunning. They will pretend to be very kind and loving just to keep you committed to them, while they on the inside will not share the same sentiment. So instead of blindly trying to propose someone, a wise person will first find out if the person whom they want to marry are actually worth the time and effort, and only then propose. This will save them a of tears and heartbreaks.
Prayer for those unmarried who have read this post:
I pray for all those who are intending to marry, especially those who profess the Christian faith. O Lord Jesus grant it that those who are on their way to emotional abuse and destruction are saved from trouble. Open their eyes so that they may really see. Send your Holy Spirit to guide them as they choose whom they are to marry. Let them get only the right person and be delivered from all narcissist’s no matter what the deception. I pray for the breaking of soul ties that bind N (N-name of the person) to the wrong person who is stealing their joy and hope. Be their protector and mentor and expose the dangers in advance so that they flee it. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Related articles:
Anti Narcissist series – Part one (Narcissism defined)
The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. (Proverbs 22:3)
To avoid a narcissist in your life, you must first know what a narcissist is and take your actions. That’s the difference between a prudent one and those are simpletons or gullible people.
At times, I encounter to people who face issues on being in love with a narcissist. Their sufferings are odd but what’s more odd is that these people can’t seem to keep away from their narcissist fiancé whom they intend to marry. They allow themselves to be the proverbial doormat to their oppressive fiancé. Some of these despite my warnings to cease and desist from continuing with such vile ‘sweethearts’ went on with the relationship, lost a lot of their emotional and physical health. And then they came back to me saying that the fiancé now is not interested in marrying them and how to win back their fiancé. I’d then say to them, good riddance for you, now please go and thank God for this, but the people whose hearts were broken by their narcissist ‘loved’ one were still in disbelief that the break up happened. I late understood this weird attachment as a soul tie.
Narcissism is not limited to only a couple who intend to marry. It could be a vile boss, a despotic dictator, traitors, serial stalkers etc. They don’t just seem to care about whom they have to hurt, just so that it inflates their self image to the clouds.
For those who wonder as to what a Narcissist is, here are two most appropriate definitions:
1. Excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself.
2. A personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. (source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/narcissist)
Now for those who still don’t get my point, maybe due to fact they could be with only genuinely nice people, let me make it real to you; bad people do exist. About a few years ago, I encountered once such Narcissist. We due to some reason had to be in the same vehicle. And she kept yelling at her fiancé over the phone. Now all of a sudden she was speaking kindly to him. Initially I was not one bit interested in what she was saying, I was more bothered as to why she became polite without dropping a hint. She then told her fiance that, for two minutes they are to be off the phone and he must not call her and only after the actual time is over to call her back. This is the bit that provoked my interest. She held her mobile phone in her hand and also kept looking at her watch to see if two minutes passed by.
Her boyfriend or fiancé I suppose, called her a few seconds before the stipulated two minutes were done with. Immediately, this vile woman unloaded the worst possible insults to her boyfriend and kept asking him to apologize for calling before the two minutes were over. Even after the boyfriend once said sorry to her, she kept demanding that he keep saying sorry over and over again. Finally, she said the only sorry that she will accept is if she given a ‘treat’ of shopping for her whatever she wishes, provided the boyfriend pays the bills.
I was shocked at such behaviour. A gentleman in the same vehicle, once the girl got off, remarked as to once the girl and her fiancé get married it’s going to be an emotional riot in their marriage. I later pondered on the situation and realized that the girl was indeed a narcissist. Suppose if her boyfriend could think of how his actual future would be with her, he could either tactfully correct her or just leave her. Both ways it would set up a non oppressive future for him with her.
I believe that since the Bible warns of narcissism it didn’t do so only for the sake of our reading. It’s something we must pay attention to and also act on.
Does the Bible speak of narcissism?
– Yes it does and elaborates on narcissism very clearly. Here’s what it says:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. 9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men. (2 Timothy 3:1-9)
Name a few in the Bible are known to be narcissists?
– I’ll mention four such men. Here we go:
- Gehazi
- Nebuchadnezzar
- Judas Iscariot
- Herod
God himself got these four punished in various forms and as per the degree of their sin. At times he did it through his servants on earth, at times by the angels, at times by the narcissists own actions and at times even one on one. (I’ll cover these four in detail in next post of these series) If the Lord knows how to recognize narcissists, shouldn’t we keep guard against such types? Yes, and like I mentioned we need to know what as narcissist is and then take decisive action.
Just because someone looks neat and beautiful doesn’t mean that you should say he or she is a nice person. Understand what their words and actions mean, and you’d know the kind of person they truly are.
Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.” (John 7:24)
Christ be with you!
Last Christmas I gave you my heart (A Christian perspective)
You might have heard the song “Last Christmas” in the past few years. Originally it was sung by the musical duo called Wham! in 1984. In later years, even other singers have tried their luck with it. It’s very popular in most of the world. The musical score seems pleasant overall despite it having elements of a relationship gone bad. However, I do find it odd now in terms of the Bible and I’ll tell you why.
Let’s read a few of the lyrics of that song:
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears I
‘ll give it to someone special
So this about a love relationship between a couple gone bad. Doesn’t seem they were married yet but this was a beginning in their relationship. However, this was short and now the person whose heart got broke got a plan. To avoid the previous year’s hurt, it will be new relationship with a new person. The thing that looks weird is that of all the days in the world, they had to decide on the relationship at the time we ponder upon the Savior’s coming into the world.
No wonder, I really find this concept odd. Basically, this song tells us that instead of praying and rejoicing in remembrance of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ this person bothered instead to propose someone for marriage. Further still, the couple had mutual acceptance of the proposal in the time when people come to celebrate at church. Were they away from church at time? Or where they too attracted to each other that they got distracted from Christ? A yes to any one of this question speaks volumes about the priority they gave to Christ.
They didn’t keep Christ first at all!
Now compare their behaviour with the follow Bible verses:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:33)
I’m not against people proposing each other for marriage legally. In fact I like seeing the boy or at times the girl, popping the relationship question at the restaurant or at the beach or just after the opera as long as its done safely. But I do not support people giving up on their prayer or worship time which only belongs to God, and then using such time to get into love relationships. Chances are they didn’t keep the Lord first at all and then in due course of time even their relationship perished. Then came sadness and heartache into their life etc.
[New edit to this post]: Radio DJ plays Wham’s Last Christmas 24 times in row after barricading himself in studio He only gave up when his own four-year-old daughter phoned in to say she didn’t like the song. I just now am doubly sure that this song’s really odd with this DJ’s foolish behavior. Read about this on the below link:
My point is that we must not like a song for the sake of liking it. We must check the context in which the song was sung. A pleasant feeling music video may not always be sinful but it may not always be good either. One needs to meditate on the Holy Scriptures all day. It doesn’t mean you have to sit and close your eyes the entire day thinking about so and so Bible verse. There may be a time you can allot for this in the day or the week. However, you have to put Christ first and remember his words whether you are at work or at play or at a party or wherever. Any book, article, song, artwork etc which keeps you entertained while going against the morally sound values of the Bible, must totally be avoided by you. Maybe you once didn’t know all this but this time do check properly on what is mere entertainment on the outside but is foolishness on the inside.
Christ be with you, always!
Faulty listening and rash speaking can affect marriages
At time’s people who are married feel very unhappy with each other. And this has even resulted in marriage problems and even divorce as the last resort. I’m not talking about adultery or illegitimate affairs which causes such things. It’s something that’s seems even more basic; listening and speaking to each other.
Yet after hearing and speaking up their wedding promises to each other, certain couples forget the very same skills. I mean they don’t lose their senses. They still can go to work, ride a vehicle, chat with friends and attend church too. The only difference is that they become strangers, rude strangers to each other. Such an afflicted wife would say, ‘this is not the same man I married’. And any such husband would say, ‘she’s someone else now’.
Ugly words can easily lead to an ugly marriage and God forbid even an ugliest divorce in the making. And in the court of law, the judge, jury and executioner’s of civil law are very known to extract retribution pound for pound. If abuse is proven, the divorce becomes painful and the outcome very much pathetic.
So how does one get correct on the speaking front? It does require a lot of effort and will power. This involves a thing that usually precedes speaking, which is called as ‘listening’.
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Most people listen with the intent to reply. – Stephen R. Covey
Listening to the spouse
For any good relationship between the husband and wife it’s vital that they communicate with each other. It’s not about only telling one’s views to the other person. A two way communication is needed. By this I mean the speaker must be fine with being spoken to. Obviously this includes hearing the spouse and actively trying to understand what’s being spoken instead of blindly nodding the head.
It’s vain, to pretend to hear the spouse for the sake of it, because you may later find yourself in an uneasy spot. Let me make it real to you, a woman tells her husband about her dear friend losing her favorite bag in the state of Ontario, Canada. Plus its the very same bag the wife had gifted to that friend. Now the husband was pretending to hear but was not paying attention to her words. Suddenly if the wife asks him, ‘what do you think about this incident in Ontario?’ to which he replies, ‘O they always do that in Canada. Hey wait is that some place in Brazil?, I mean Ontario sounds like Rio de Janeiro?’. The wife gets upset and asks him if he even cares about the things she buy’s. To which he says, ‘what thing?’ Clearly, the wife now realizes that the husband has no clue what she’s been talking about all that while. If his wife’s in a bad mood, it may result in a huge argument but the husband will still be wondering what went wrong. Eventually the wife by the time she’s calmed down, will again narrate how her friend ended losing the very bag she gifted her, while in Ontario, Canada. Then the husband will respond with either a sorry or will continue the fight depending on his temperament.
Another example, a man tells his wife that he walked all the way up from the bottom to the 17th floor of his work office along with his colleague named Pete. And that was due to some weird fitness challenge that’s being run in their office. Now the man’s been loud and clear. But the wife asks him a few questions, ‘who went up with you?’ and her husband says its was Pete. Then she asks him why did they both go up and he says its due to the company fitness challenge. Now here’s what becomes extremely stupid, she then asks him what did the company ask him to do as part of the fitness challenge. The husband gets annoyed and tells her that wasn’t she told very much clearly that he had to walk up to the 17th floor. Now that wife is not willing to admit she was not hearing him right. She responds saying that she was not told that he walked 17th floors. By now the husband’s very angry and says ‘What? Why did you then ask about who went up with me?’ Again depending on the temperament of the couple this could drag into a series of arguments for weeks. Basically, the husband only a wanted to show how tough a task he got for fitness. His wife got it all wrong only because of not listening well enough. (The 17th floor challenge, I hope is only an example of a challenge. I don’t recommend anyone to try that.)
By both these examples you’ll realize that hearing and listening are different. Hearing is physical. While listening is physical, mental, intellectual and emotional.
Then Jesus said, “Anyone who has ears to hear should listen!” (Mark 4:9)
Even Jesus had to face people who heard him preach the Gospel but then never bothered to truly listen to what he spoke. Knowing this Jesus would say, “Anyone who has ears to hear should listen!”
If one turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination. (Proverbs 28:9)
Some people are even more extreme. Leave the bit about listening, they don’t even want to hear the spouse. All they want is to talk. What happens if such a person has the same attitude towards the Word of God. Obviously, then even their prayers to God would be profane.
Putting that in a couple’s relationship, if one only wants to talk but not listen, then such person has acted worse than an unbeliever. The spouse who is not allowed to speak is often filled with fear and hate towards their spouse. Don’t be surprised if you hear of rebellion in such a case. I categorically don’t recommend divorce nor rebellion in such cases. Though one’s got a valid right to indeed get things sorted, it must be done by dialogue between the couple or a discussion with skilled mediators from the couple’s family or their local church. Never seek vain romantic solace with another person just because one’s spouse is an irritant. Hell awaits adulterers to torment them! I’m not saying this to make anyone feel bad but I don’t want people to seek vain happiness out of marriage and have a nasty afterlife in hell.
For those who think, let’s suffer later but now enjoy with an illegal companion for romance, let me share a few things. There’s no guarantee that such foolish actions will make you truly happy. You never know what plans are in the minds of such illegal ‘lovers’. They might be after money. Some are only for lustful motives and will dump immediately. Other’s are carry tales and manipulators. Better to be away from two faced people.
So what’s my advice. Its very simple; listen sincerely well so that you can speak to bless and encourage your spouse.
Christ be with you!
Flirting while in a relationship?
Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. (Proverbs 4:24-25)
Once you are in a relationship for marriage or are already married to your spouse never ever flirt with anyone. It’s stupid and completely selfish for anyone be it a man or a woman to keep looking for others to flirt with even when they have an existing fiance. Knowing that we live in adulterous times, even if anyone’s fiance or spouse ‘allows’ them to flirt even then such behaviour directly is in rebellion to the Lord Jesus Christ and is never permissable for anyone who wants to remain holy. No fooling around on this one!
For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. (1 Samuel 15:23)
Disciples of hope 