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Anti Narcissist series – Part three (Do not marry nor date a Narcissist)
Disclaimer: I categorically state that this post never is about divorcing anyone. This is about not getting into a messy marriage in the first place and then crying out for a divorce.
There are times in life when your friends and family can tell you if you’ve got a bad friend much before you notice. This is because of something know as objectivity. While you may have a subjective opinion of your friend especially that friend whom one intends to marry, others may not view this through an emotional perspective. God forbid if one’s dating a narcissist, then one must do something to help oneself out of it. I’m talking about before the relationship deepens or even marriage occurs.
The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. (Proverbs 22:3)
Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house. (Proverbs 24:27)
Just a quick reminder of what a Narcissist personality type is:
1. Excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself.
2. A personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. (source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/narcissist)
There are people, even Christian’s who unwitting set themselves up for a nasty marriage and a more nastier divorce. Some of them after marriage or even post divorce wonder where did it all go wrong for them. Others then wonder that how could they be so foolish to trust a proud, arrogant narcissist person to be their spouse and expect kindness and sincerity in love by that person. While others who date with the intention to get married never come to getting married but are badly dumped by their narcissist fiance. These then take a lot of time trying to recover emotionally.
My solution to them if I had got to meet them earlier: “Do not marry nor date a Narcissist at all, in your entire life”.
Even for those who are yet to marry or yet to meet up their future spouse I’d say: “Never a fancy a Narcissist to be your future spouse because you will sorely hurt yourself in the long run for this”.
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:10-12)
Let me share with you something I learnt years ago in a church group. This will be helpful to describe a narcissist spouse to avoid. The teenagers would be warned of the “Butterfly girl”and how to not get her for marriage (they also said this may even be a ‘Butterfly boy’ depending on the situation in the sense if it’s the boy who is the narcissist and a good girl is trying to marry him). The Butterfly girl is a Narcissist to begin with. She only cares for herself. A good boy tries to woo her and marry her. She knows this well but pretends not to care. The boy keeps trying to speak nicely, takes her out for dates but that’s not good enough for her. (Tip: Never date any person whom you don’t intend to marry). She then finds faults with all his friends and says he loves his friends more than her. However, she will go with any of her friends to appear busy for him. On the other hand keeps away from his friends. Yet she doesn’t profess love back to him. He keeps running behind her and she keeps moving away from him. That’s why she’s called the Butterfly.
The Butterfly girl always blames the boy for her shortcomings. She revels in keeping the guy guessing if she’s with him or not. That’s her idea all along. Now she also excessively praises herself. In due time she finds fault with the guy’s family. And the guy is isolated even more. She will never acknowledge if she wants to continue with the guy but instead will blame the guy for not doing enough to show his interest in the relationship. In reality she is just projecting her own faults over to him.
After a lot of chasing and declarations of love by the boy, the Butterfly girl finally marries the guy who by now has isolated himself from people who might help him such as his family and friends. Even with marriage the guy is not sure if the girl loves him or not. Now once married either of the two things happen. One, the guy is emotionally drained out and can’t put up with the chase any more, so his ‘Butterfly’ wife accuses him of ‘forgetting’ his love for her. The result; an unhappy marriage. The other thing which may happen is that the guy still has some mental energy left and his Butterfly wife fully aware of it, now wants to show others how well she controls him. The result; the unwitting husband is indefinitely made to prove his love for his wife over and over again which then leads to a burnout for him. Either of the two ways, it may end up into a divorce if things get more wrong from there. But at the end of it, the Butterfly girl (now the wife) will project that she was the victim of her ‘overzealous’ husband all the time and will even cite that his abandoning of friends and family was his own fault of over protectiveness. Such is the danger of the Butterfly girl (or Butterfly boy)!
The teenagers would therefore be told that if a person whom they feel might be a suitable spouse, then they should check that person is filled with excess of pride or has an inflated ego. And if yes, then avoid that person right at the beginning by not going after them. They were also told that if the potential spouse to be may be nice to them but arrogant towards others, then that person is not the nice person they are trying portray themselves to be, so run away before it’s too late.
Don’t get married just to avoid loneliness but instead be wise enough to search and wait for the right person. Some people incorrectly only wait but do not search. It’s a wrong strategy for them, they must actually search as well. Now by search I mean you don’t first propose marriage and then go along to see if it’s going well during your courtship with your potential future spouse. Some narcissists are way too cunning. They will pretend to be very kind and loving just to keep you committed to them, while they on the inside will not share the same sentiment. So instead of blindly trying to propose someone, a wise person will first find out if the person whom they want to marry are actually worth the time and effort, and only then propose. This will save them a of tears and heartbreaks.
Prayer for those unmarried who have read this post:
I pray for all those who are intending to marry, especially those who profess the Christian faith. O Lord Jesus grant it that those who are on their way to emotional abuse and destruction are saved from trouble. Open their eyes so that they may really see. Send your Holy Spirit to guide them as they choose whom they are to marry. Let them get only the right person and be delivered from all narcissist’s no matter what the deception. I pray for the breaking of soul ties that bind N (N-name of the person) to the wrong person who is stealing their joy and hope. Be their protector and mentor and expose the dangers in advance so that they flee it. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Related articles:
Anti Narcissist series – Part one (Narcissism defined)
The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. (Proverbs 22:3)
To avoid a narcissist in your life, you must first know what a narcissist is and take your actions. That’s the difference between a prudent one and those are simpletons or gullible people.
At times, I encounter to people who face issues on being in love with a narcissist. Their sufferings are odd but what’s more odd is that these people can’t seem to keep away from their narcissist fiancé whom they intend to marry. They allow themselves to be the proverbial doormat to their oppressive fiancé. Some of these despite my warnings to cease and desist from continuing with such vile ‘sweethearts’ went on with the relationship, lost a lot of their emotional and physical health. And then they came back to me saying that the fiancé now is not interested in marrying them and how to win back their fiancé. I’d then say to them, good riddance for you, now please go and thank God for this, but the people whose hearts were broken by their narcissist ‘loved’ one were still in disbelief that the break up happened. I late understood this weird attachment as a soul tie.
Narcissism is not limited to only a couple who intend to marry. It could be a vile boss, a despotic dictator, traitors, serial stalkers etc. They don’t just seem to care about whom they have to hurt, just so that it inflates their self image to the clouds.
For those who wonder as to what a Narcissist is, here are two most appropriate definitions:
1. Excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself.
2. A personality disorder characterized by self-preoccupation, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem. (source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/narcissist)
Now for those who still don’t get my point, maybe due to fact they could be with only genuinely nice people, let me make it real to you; bad people do exist. About a few years ago, I encountered once such Narcissist. We due to some reason had to be in the same vehicle. And she kept yelling at her fiancé over the phone. Now all of a sudden she was speaking kindly to him. Initially I was not one bit interested in what she was saying, I was more bothered as to why she became polite without dropping a hint. She then told her fiance that, for two minutes they are to be off the phone and he must not call her and only after the actual time is over to call her back. This is the bit that provoked my interest. She held her mobile phone in her hand and also kept looking at her watch to see if two minutes passed by.
Her boyfriend or fiancé I suppose, called her a few seconds before the stipulated two minutes were done with. Immediately, this vile woman unloaded the worst possible insults to her boyfriend and kept asking him to apologize for calling before the two minutes were over. Even after the boyfriend once said sorry to her, she kept demanding that he keep saying sorry over and over again. Finally, she said the only sorry that she will accept is if she given a ‘treat’ of shopping for her whatever she wishes, provided the boyfriend pays the bills.
I was shocked at such behaviour. A gentleman in the same vehicle, once the girl got off, remarked as to once the girl and her fiancé get married it’s going to be an emotional riot in their marriage. I later pondered on the situation and realized that the girl was indeed a narcissist. Suppose if her boyfriend could think of how his actual future would be with her, he could either tactfully correct her or just leave her. Both ways it would set up a non oppressive future for him with her.
I believe that since the Bible warns of narcissism it didn’t do so only for the sake of our reading. It’s something we must pay attention to and also act on.
Does the Bible speak of narcissism?
– Yes it does and elaborates on narcissism very clearly. Here’s what it says:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. 9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men. (2 Timothy 3:1-9)
Name a few in the Bible are known to be narcissists?
– I’ll mention four such men. Here we go:
- Gehazi
- Nebuchadnezzar
- Judas Iscariot
- Herod
God himself got these four punished in various forms and as per the degree of their sin. At times he did it through his servants on earth, at times by the angels, at times by the narcissists own actions and at times even one on one. (I’ll cover these four in detail in next post of these series) If the Lord knows how to recognize narcissists, shouldn’t we keep guard against such types? Yes, and like I mentioned we need to know what as narcissist is and then take decisive action.
Just because someone looks neat and beautiful doesn’t mean that you should say he or she is a nice person. Understand what their words and actions mean, and you’d know the kind of person they truly are.
Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.” (John 7:24)
Christ be with you!
Disciples of hope 